haiz .. lost my 8310 .. dun ask how i lose it .. it is just a total mishap .. haix .. haix ..

I confess something. Something so important, so signficant in my life. My heart's abegging to tell the world, but times have not been right for me to tell. Rumors and all are just a bunch of imagination done up by people who are wanting to mark my fall, or mark my supposed desperation of girls. All in all, the targets given by them are all fakes, and they are merely my friends.
Well, some of these 'targets' are made up by me, in a way to decieve you. They are meant to make you think that I am attracted to someone else, so that you can leave your sights open, options open to anyone. They might range in the form of a cool hunk, to a nerdy guy, but still, these are options. I tried to decieve you further that I have a girlfriend outside. These were all in name of decieving you. However, time is short, and I have to make my move.
However, I have to say on our history. In secondary 1, I was a temporary class chairman, and more often than ever, I promised that I gave you nightmares. Nightmares, they were all in jest, as I tried to tease you, in my way. You were a bit amused, a bit agitated at times, but still, it got your attention. Then came secondary 2. I matured a little, or a lot, to some people's standards. I underwent a camp, to improve myself. I changed in person, became more open, more Americanized. I was the person that was the most open in thinking around in a conservative school. It was hard to fit in, but I made a lot of friends. I renewed my friendship with you, and tried to be a very nice person to you, though I tend to turn into suh a jerk at times. Haha. Those were the days.
Then in sec 3, I turned from a casual friend to a closer one. I saw that you had gone through a lot of crushes, and a couple of boyfriends. They were all too unlike you, and they had someone else in mind. I was there, helping you through all these. All these pressure from people that were a bit of acting that were looking like they were very concerned about you, but actually have someone else in mind. I was there, asking you this and that, thinking you could see through them, and at times, telling you that breaking up were the best idea. I was not the one behing these ideas, though having a crush on you last year for a short period of time did not count. I sincerely wanted to help you in all these relationship problems.
However lately, I developed some what of a different feeling for you. It is made up of respecting you, caring about you, sheltering you, asking you to be more alert around you. All these were just a part of protecting you, loving you. It is just part of me wanting to tell you, another part of me saying not. However, I chose to tell you, maybe in person tomorrow, but now virtually.

To this person :- I love you. Beyond reason. Beyond thoughts. Beyond fear. Beyond me.

haix .. it's so heart-breaking .. so unpredictable .. so unexpected .. it's like a piece of shit that drops on you when you are walking down a normal street .. haix .. can people revert to their former form ? .. more happier form ? .. more happier selves ??

Those are just the starting words. I feel differently now. People have read my blog. They have different views. Some see my blog pieces very carefully, and truly understanding them. Some just visit the site, seeing that this site has a few good things to show off, and thus compliment me on them. Some just visit the website to be a be of a busybody, where they want to know the feelings of someone so open, or so unlike them. Some people just visit as if they are forced to, or have nothing better / else to do. I don't blame them. After all, this is my site and my blog, and I chose to show it to the world, and this their opinions after all.
However, having said that, I would like to continue asking those who really care. 'Do you really understand me? Do you know what on earth am I feeling to say anything at all? Or do you just want to make some silly comments, like in some cases "Please lead a happier life." and "Stop pitying yourself. You are in fact quite lucky after all.". I agree with them to a small, tiny, microscopic extend, but would wish to ask them,"Are you me?" Some people lead lves that have friends all around them, thus not knowing the feeling of being lonely. Some people lead lives that are being *Ms Independent* or *Mr Favourite*, and thus think that my blog is a bunch of crap. Nothing more, nothing less. But, do they know me inside? I doubt so. They only want to voice out their opinions, and try to make me join them, or be someone different, or to stop pestering them. In other words, they DO NOT know the feeling of loneliness or being *MR. "CHUG AT ONE SIDE DUE TO CERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE*. These are the poeple that have not gone through what I have gone through.
However, all that I can do is sigh. Nothing else I can do. This is my life, to lead and to experiment. This is the life that I have, being a straigh-forward guy and a very open-minded guy, much unlike to this conservative society's way of thinking. They have secrets, they backstab, sow the seeds of distrust among people who were once good friends. This is the life that I don't intend to live, because this is me. Go and lament things to your friends, while this guy here has serious problems. Too bad, they say.
But anyway, these are my heart's problems, emotional only. This blog is to serve me as my outlet to prove myself. Anyway, I just had the most unexpected things in my life. I have sisters, all one by one having a boyfriend each, when their main exams is this year. I have friends drinking, but think it is the normal thing to do. I accept that drinking's is okay, but it will be detrimental to you guys health. Listen to this if you like, but this is important after all. And to my three sisters, who are the blessings of love I hope, see that their exams are more important and try to think that the boy's heart is also important. Thus hurting him is going to have a lot of problems for him in his life. (Sigh)